I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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