She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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