we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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