allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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