direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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