Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
