My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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