I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
