do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize