Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
