I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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