Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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