You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
