My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
