dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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