it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
