Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
