i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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