Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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