well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
