2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
