Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
