He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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