you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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