What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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