I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
