Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
