I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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