dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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