If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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