Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
