the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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