he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
