I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
