Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
