I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
