I accidentally had phone sex last night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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