Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
