I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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