Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
