Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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