I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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