You smell like a Billy Joel song
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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