I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
