One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize