Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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