I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
