My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
