He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
