She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
