hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
