I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
