I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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