Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
