You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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