I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
someone owes me an orgasm
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
