It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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