the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
