Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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