By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
