You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
