dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
