Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
