Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
