So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize